


five easy steps to finding romance (as told by tommyinnit)

by doingthewritethings



Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Gen, Valentine’s Day, attempts at humor, but it was too funny not to take it and run, dream is really into weird trivia in this fic, excessive references to floridian grocery store chain winn dixie, i hope this as funny to y’all as it is to me, idk where it came from, in which several adults humor a gaggle of caffeinated 17 year olds, its all platonic here my dudes, proofread only in the vaguest sense of the word, pure and absolute fluff, ranboo's nice handwriting skills, the inherent chaos of discord, yeah i wrote this in 36 hours what about it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-15 03:41:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29429715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doingthewritethings/pseuds/doingthewritethings
Summary: “Thank you all for joining me,” says Tommy. His voice has an air of the utmost solemnity. Tubbo nods and does a sort of complicated salute which Tommy returns immediately.“There’s no way this is going to go well,” says Wilbur without looking up from what he’s doing.or, in the words of the request, "i'd like some platonic valentine's irl dsmp fluff! like just everyone in vc being goofs on valentine's lol"
Relationships: TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF) & Everyone
Comments: 23
Kudos: 80
Collections: TWB Valentine's Event [2021], why sad? happy





	five easy steps to finding romance (as told by tommyinnit)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Li_the_Panda](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Li_the_Panda/gifts).



“Thank you all for joining me,” says Tommy. His voice has an air of the utmost solemnity. Tubbo nods and does a sort of complicated salute, which he reciprocates. 

“There’s no way this is going to go well,” says Wilbur without looking up from what he’s doing. Presumably editing a video, but that’s just an educated guess given that all Tommy has to go off of is the clacking coming from his end of the Discord call and the glazed look in his eyes.

“And yet here you are,” says Tommy.

“It’s a little insulting, actually,” Techno says. He doesn’t have his camera on, but it’s mid-morning for him, and Tommy’s pretty sure he’s eating a bowl of cereal in bed. “You assumed none of us would have anything better to do today.”

“ _And yet here you are_ ,” says Tommy.

“Wait, why wouldn’t we be on?” George cuts in. “No one added to this call is, like, notorious for having things to do.”

There’s a terrifying burst of white noise and static, then the sound of Dream’s voice saying, “It’s February 14th, George?”

A long silence follows from George’s end.

“...Valentine’s Day?” prompts Ranboo. 

George laughs condescendingly. “No, you can’t trick me. Valentine’s Day is on the second.”

“That’s Groundhog Day!” yells Dream through another indiscernible crackle before muting himself again. 

“I’m—“ Tommy pauses at the beginning of his tirade to bully the everloving shit out of George. ”Dream, are you at the supermarket?”

There’s a few seconds of silence before Dream unmutes. “ _Sometimes_ ,” he says, “a man needs to walk half a mile to the Winn-Dixie because it turns out _someone_ microwaved their last _spoon_.”

Ranboo almost chokes on his laughter. “I... did you not— I mean, surely you had, like. More than ten spoons?”

The unmistakable sound of a cart rolling on linoleum comes from his end. “I’m choosing to plead the sixth.”

Techno snorts. “The sixth amendment is the one guaranteeing a right to a fair trial.” A spoon clinks against the ceramic of his cereal bowl. Tommy wonders briefly why so many people are intimidated by a man who enjoys corn flakes. 

“...I plead the eleventh," Dream tries.

“That’s about not being able to sue another state. You’re getting colder.”

“Don’t tell the man what amendment he pleads,” Wilbur says. "Maybe he wants to tell us he's suing the state of Pennsylvania."

“Shut up," says Techno mildly. "You don’t even have a Constitution.”

"Of course we have a Constitution!" Tubbo says. "Right? Someone back me up on this."

Techno's shrug is audible. "Sorry, bud. Actually, England—"

There’s a ding signaling someone else has joined the call, and Tommy switches tabs to see who it is.

“Oh no,” says Ranboo. 

“Wait, what’s happening here?" says a voice. "Did we make a new channel?” 

Tommy’s eyes light up.

“Bad. Boy. Halo,” he says, exaggerating each word. The others can only imagine the amount of chaos and Valentine’s Day themed vulgarity Tommy plans to reign on Bad’s life.

“Never mind.” Another ding signals his departure from the call. 

It takes a couple minutes for them all to recover from that, Dream trying to silence his wheezing in the middle of a grocery store and Tubbo yelling, “You scared the poor man off!”

“That—“ Tommy says, putting a hand over his mouth in a desperate attempt to silence his own laughter. “That reminds me. I’m sure you’re wondering why I gathered you here today.”

“Are we?” Techno says. There’s a chorus of negative responses and shaking heads. 

“Let me rephrase that," Tommy says, glaring at the camera. "You had _better_ be wondering why I called you here today. But before I can get into it, I need to... to confirm that one of our honored guests will in fact be absent.” He clicks on a number plugged in to his speed dial; his phone rings twice before someone picks up.

“Hello?” says Phil.

“ _Phil_!” yell about five voices at once, on top of Wilbur asking, “Isn’t Phil’s personal number just for emergencies?”

Tommy gestures for silence. “Philza Minecraft. This _is_ an emergency.”

Techno puts his mouth next to his microphone. “Run, Phil, while you still can, please, we’re in too deep, save yourself—” 

Tommy reaches over and turns his volume down. 

“Should I be scared?” asks Phil. 

Tommy ignores his question. “Phil. You are notorious for your skill sets, including, most pertinently, Obtaining A Wife.”

Phil wheezes. “I don’t know that I would put those on the same sort of level— I mean, you can’t hardcore mode yourself into marriage—“

“That’s what the world thought until now, when I, Tommy Innit, solved the puzzle. The Konami code of interacting with women.”

"No one who knows what the Konami code is has ever had a chance with any woman," says Techno.

“Is that why you made us all join a brand new server, even though it’s the same ten-odd people we always talk to?” Wilbur asks. 

“I’m going to mute you too,” Tommy informs him before focusing back on his phone. “Will you stay, Philza, and help guarantee us success on our quest to be unstoppable and find the love of our lives?”

Phil laughs again, in a way that makes Tommy’s chest warm. “As much as I hate to miss this, mate, I have _actual plans_ because of my _actual marriage_.”

Tommy glares at the phone even though it's a voice call. Maybe his facial expression will come through the sound waves. “Disgusting. Get out of this call immediately.”

“You called _me_ ,” Phil says. “Have a good time, boys.” 

“Thanks. We won’t,” says Techno, but he’s already hung up. 

“I guess we’ll go ahead and start,” Tubbo says with a melodramatic sigh. 

“Are you reading this from a script?” George asks. Tommy flips him off. 

“Tell me, lads, how do you celebrate Valentine’s Day without a valentine?” Tubbo continues.

“You learn how to appreciate the different kinds of love in your life without prioritizing romance,” says Wilbur. 

“You celebrate February fifteenth as Discount Candy Day,” says Ranboo. 

_“You get a valentine,”_ says Tommy. 

Tubbo points at his camera. “Tommy got it in one!”

“What does _that_ mean?” George asks. “Surely, the specific time of year isn’t going to make you more or less likely to—“

Tommy ignores him, typing a series of fast and frantic messages on his phone. “Like I told Phil. I’ve figured out how to make any woman ever fall in love with my immediate charm and grace. Consider this the only TED talk you’ll ever need to hear. Innovation that excites. It’s all about the first impression, and we’ve condensed it down to five simple steps.”

“ _We_?” says Dream. There’s some sort of plastic rustling near his phone. 

“I helped!” says Tubbo. 

“It was originally twenty-eight steps,” says Ranboo. “You’re welcome.”

Tubbo nods. “This was how we spent our entire Saturday, before you ask.”

“There are cue cards. Like, so many cue cards. Calling Phil was cue card number nine.”

"I'd say the three of us combined went through at _least_ twenty different flavors of Monster. I'm not sure I know what sleep is anymore."

Tommy makes a noise of success; his typing ceases. “And now, I’ve secured the final necessity. A trusted friend and compatriot who is also willing to act as a test subject at the risk of her own sanity.”

Wilbur’s eyes widen. “Wait, you’re going to—“

“Big man, if it’s not her, then we’re going to have to test it out on Dream, and I’m pretty sure he’s not even human.”

Dream scoffs. “I resent that statement.”

“Are you still at the Winn-Dixie?” Ranboo asks. “How long does it take for one man to get spoons?”

He makes an indignant noise. “It’s a big store! The aisles are improperly marked! The signage is inadequate!”

“What even is a Winn-Dixie?” Wilbur asks. 

Dream takes in a long, long breath. “I’m so glad you asked."

"Oh, now you've gotten him going," says George.

"You see, Winn-Dixie Stores, Incorporated, is an American supermarket chain headquartered in Jacksonville. Winn-Dixie operates approximately five hundred stores—“ 

Tommy turns both of them down and focuses on Wilbur. “Anyway, I tried to add Minx, but she threatened my life—“

There’s another ding to signal someone joining. 

“Hello?” says Niki. 

“Niki!” Tommy cheers. “Thank you so much for joining us. I believe I’ve made it clear what your job today is?”

“Uh,” she says, looking at her phone. “Let me read the rest of you these messages I just got. **niki miss nihachu pls ma’am i need ur prezence if only for a few mins. pleas this is urgent i need you for a job. i will pay if i must in both cash and clout u are simply essential.** ”

Tommy screams in despair. “Those— those messages were confidential! Sent with the utmost trust that you would respect the, the ancient and sacred bond of—“

She ignores him entirely. “And _then_ , five minutes later, he sent me a picture of something labeled Cue Card Eleven which just has my name on it. In really nice handwriting, might I add.”

“Thank you,” says Ranboo. “I try.”

Dream’s voice is still going somewhere in the background, with George nodding and occasionally commenting. “—are produced in over twenty different flavors, plus diet and caffeine-free varieties—one of the widest assortments. Winn-Dixie has actually been known as "The Beef People" throughout its lifetime. In its advertising and print media, on the other hand—“

Tommy puts his head in his hands, face flushed red. “Your position here, if you choose to accept it, is very intricate. All you must do, no matter the price, is resist falling for the charms and wit of any men on this call.”

“Well, that doesn’t sound very difficult at all,” Niki says, nodding. 

“ _Hey_ —“ starts George. 

“I would also like to add,” says Wilbur, “that Tommy has written a step by step list for this that he refers to as _cheat codes for romance_.”

“Do you accept, madam?” Tommy gestures grandly to his camera.

“Well, now I’m interested.” She repeats the flourish back at Tommy. “You may begin.”

“Alright!” He claps his hands together. “Everyone else, turn your volume down low.” 

The others look confused but follow suit. Ranboo and Tubbo, who presumably have a cue card for this, nod in satisfaction. In the ensuing silence, Dream says, “On December nineteenth, 2011, BI-LO, another Southeastern supermarket chain, actually announced plans to _purchase_ the Winn-Dixie company.”

Tommy takes a deep breath and puts his mouth up to his mic. “ _Dream, you faceless green bastard, stop talking about Winn-Dixie and listen to the words I am saying to you.”_

Dream lets out an undignified shriek. “ _Shit_ , Tommy— I’m in public! I had earbuds in!”

“Good. Now he’s paying attention," says Ranboo. 

"Dream, I would like to request that you be my puppet in this experiment. This means that you will do whatever I say for as long as it requires, to the best of your ability, and at the end, I assure you, you will have unlocked the skill set of wooing whoever you desire for the rest of your life."

Dream grumbles for a few seconds more about the shattered state of his eardrums but eventually sighs. "Sure, yeah. What's step one?"

"You're going to hold a conversation with Niki," Tubbo informs him, "and repeat what Tommy tells you to."

"Oh. Sure. When did Niki get here?"

"Somewhere around the third time Winn-Dixie changed its slogan," says George.

“Ask her if she would like a refreshing beverage,” Tommy says, enunciating each individual letter in the word _beverage_. 

“Tommy—“ Wilbur starts, putting his head in his hands. 

“No, Wilbur," says Dream. "You heard the man. Niki, could I offer you a refreshing beverage?”

There's a brief moment of silence. “...What’s the beverage?” asks Niki.

“ _Oh, shit, Tommy_ ,” Dream stage whispers. “ _This wasn’t part of the plan, and now she wants to know—_ “

“Improvise!” Tubbo says. “We believe in you, big man!”

Dream’s voice comes back, stilted and interspersed with nervous chuckles. Ranboo starts laughing before he even gets through his first word. “Human beverage. Yes, one of those refreshing beverages of an extreme temperature that us _humans_ drink, Niki. If you are interested. As a human.” 

There’s another slight pause. Tommy makes a show of crossing his fingers. 

“I would love that, actually. Thank you, Dream," Niki says, barely holding back laughter.

Tommy nods. "Fantastic work. Alright, Ranboo, you're on."

Ranboo grins. "Step two, body doubles."

Wilbur starts laughing. "Step two is _what_?"

"Admittedly this would work better in person. Cue card number twenty-seven: in theory, we would actually have Dream hide behind a building and someone else come out to take his place." Ranboo sighs. "Guess we have to work with what we've got. George, it’s your turn. Step up to the plate."

"Of all the people here who could pass as Dream," starts Techno, "you chose—“

"Engage step three!" says Tommy. "George is now standing in front of Niki, posing as Dream."

“I take it we forgot about my Refreshing Human Beverage?” asks Niki. "I'm going to get dehydrated."

George shakes his head. "No, I handed it to you. When I was, uh, American."

"Right. How stupid of me." Niki makes exaggerated drinking noises.

"What’s step three?" George asks.

Ranboo sighs even more melodramatically. "Well, if you don’t know, then you’ve already failed. Techno, it’s your turn."

George makes an insulted squawking noise. "What? You didn't fail Dream for offering her a _human beverage_ , but you're going to tell me I can't—“

"George!" Wilbur says, shoulders shaking with laughter. "This isn't a competition!"

"What about step two?" George continues to protest.

"Step two involves as many body doubles as necessary," Tubbo assures him. "Step three, Techno, go."

  
"Uh." There's the sound of a chair rolling across hardwood. Tommy is pretty sure Techno hasn't paid attention to any of this. "I think you look nice, Niki?"

Tommy makes a loud buzzer sound. "Sorry, Techno, not the right move! Dream, you're up again." 

"Then what was the _point_ of—“ Techno starts.

"Fantastic," says Dream. "Niki, how is your beverage?"

"Amazing. Quite cold. Good for human consumption," she says. Tubbo loses his mind laughing somewhere in the background.

"Great, great. Then would you like to hear about my favorite time zones?"

There's a pause. Everyone waits with bated breath. 

"Dream," says Niki, "I would absolutely love to."

"How come _that_ didn't get disqualified, but when Techno tried to—" George yells.

"All of China is as wide as the continental United States, but it only uses one time zone, despite certain parts being two thousand miles away from each other," Dream is saying.

"Fascinating. Please continue. I think I'm going to stare into your eyes forever," Niki tries to say before her expression finally cracks and she starts laughing. "Dream, why do you know so much about _time zones—_ "

"Venezuela separates their time zones into thirty minute intervals," Dream purrs in an attempt to sound seductive. Wilbur starts yelling, but no one can make out the words he's trying to say.

"And that's step three and four, folks!" says Ranboo. "Technically, that's Tubbo's line, but I figured I should step in."

Tubbo, who is wiping tears from his eyes, lets out an incoherent gurgle and nods.

Tommy grins. “Step five, and this is the last one: telepathically communicate to her, _Me and you should go on a date_.” 

“Step five and a half, figure out that the proper grammar is _you and I_."

"Shut up, Techno. Dream, you have to wiggle your fingers as you do this or all the magic is lost."

"The finger wiggles _are_ the most important part," says Ranboo.

"I can't— you're in my pocket, you're just gonna have to trust that I'm wiggling my fingers in the proper way," says Dream. "Oh man, this old lady in the checkout line is going to murder me. I just wanted to buy spoons, ma'am, I'm sorry my friends are insane."

"So?" Tommy asks. "Niki, how are you feeling? Would you like to date Dream now?"

Niki pretends to think about it, putting her chin in one head and humming. “I can say no pretty confidently.”

  
  
Ranboo shakes his head. "It's because she couldn't see the finger wiggles."  
  
  


"I can't believe it!" Tommy crashes to the floor in a forlorn lump. "Years of my life wasted on painstaking research that was all for naught in the end. This is the lesson they learned in Jurassic Park. Nature is brutal."

"This is why we should’ve gone with my idea," Tubbo says smugly. 

"Which was?" Techno asks over the faint sound of a faucet running.

Tubbo pulls out another fat stack of notecards, each crammed with Ranboo's handwriting. "Y’know that game show? Where couples have to answer questions about each other? We'd be in teams and doing that."

"How did you both make Ranboo write your notecards for you? You don't even live in the same country," says Wilbur. 

"Shhhh," says Tommy.

"Photocopier," says Ranboo. 

"Did you know they let a serial killer on The Dating Game once?" Dream chimes in.

" _What_?" 

"They still aired the episodes after he’d been caught and convicted. Google it."

As they continue to bicker amongst themselves, Tommy grins even wider. All of these people— his _friends_ — agreed to join him for the better part of an hour just to dick around. He appreciates it, all of them, appreciates Dream's random trivia and Tubbo's state of extreme caffeination and Ranboo figuring out how to photocopy his notebook at two in the morning and Techno steadfastly eating breakfast through it all. "I love you guys," he says before he even realizes he's saying it, and then immediately clears his throat. "I mean, uh—"

"Love you too, Big T," says Tubbo.

"Yeah!" Niki smiles. "This was really fun."

" _Awwwwwww_ ," says Wilbur. "I'm gonna cry. Seriously."

"Disgusting," Techno says, but his voice makes it clear he's grinning. "I have never felt affection towards anything in my life except the warm embrace of bloodshed."

“Well, I have to say,” says George. “You’re really committed to this bit, but you won’t trick me into thinking it’s Valentine’s Day.”

There's a pause.

"I’m literally _begging_ you to stand up and look at a calendar," says Techno.

George gives him a smug look. "I don’t need to confirm facts I already know."

"I will buy you one at the Winn-Dixie and ship it to England," Dream insists. "It'll take two weeks to prove my point, but I'll be right in the end. What kind do you want?"

Wilbur laughs. "Are you _still_ at the store?" 

"Sapnap’s going to burn down the house by the time you get back." Tommy spins around in his desk chair, opening another energy drink as he circles slowly. "Just warning you."

"That's just the price I have to pay for being able to eat my cereal with something other than a knife. George, I'm buying you a calendar with cows on it. Each one of them has a name. This one's name is Lola, and she's a purebred."

How do you celebrate Valentine’s Day without a valentine? Well, maybe Wilbur was right. Maybe you learn to love the people that you have around you, figure out how to make the most out of an otherwise quiet day, and annoy the hell out of your friends who are lucky enough to have dates to go on by calling their number that is _only to be used for emergencies, Tommy, seriously._

(Or maybe you employ the scientific method on your quest to find an ultimate cheat code for romantic interactions. It took Edison a thousand unsuccessful attempts to make one working lightbulb, after all, and there's always next year.)

**Author's Note:**

> hello yall!! to my wonderful partner for this fic exchange, i hope you enjoyed this as much as i had fun writing it :-)
> 
> my twt is stanchuuya and my insta is ao3tagoftheday. this fic was written for a valentine's day exchange in the ~funky fresh~ Writer's Block Discord, which i'm not entirely sure how to get a link to but it slaps and you should join. see, i don't even know how to work discord and i have a good time there.


End file.
